Metamorphosis

A bit ago I started public high school. Yay!

When I did I had to change my name because no one knows how to pronounce Chana. So I changed it to Ana. And when I moved schools I changed my name but I also had the opportunity to change my personality and my views on life. I’m more insecure, overly organized, fun, and polite.

Outside of school I try to be who I thought I was. But a bit ago my friend (from outside of school) told me I had changed. And it got me thinking about change and if I like the butterfly better than the caterpillar.

Over the summer I did near to nothing. I was lazy and just watched Buffy and babysat. I was unproductive and I loved it. Now I am hardworking and busy and really focused on academics and music. I am taking Algebra, English, Creative Writing, History, Physics, and Latin and I’m teaching myself guitar, bass, piano, and voice. It’s a lot especially since I’m not going to give up Arrow, The flash, Supernatural, (loved the new episodes!!!) and agents of shield as well. In terms of other stuff in that category I am still reading comics and books and keeping up with youtube and social media.

I have a lot on my plate and I am trying to keep genuine connections with my friends. It’s a lot and I’m trying my hardest. Last year and every year before that I was not this person. I did’t give a shit about the future or grades and I just wanted to be unproductive and get sucked into a bad lifestyle. But I like how my world is changing and I’m loving the new person I’m becoming in it. It’s fun and exciting and I feel really motivated about my goals. And my goals are now reachable things that I have to be motivated to get to.

I’ve changed. That’s very true. My friend was right and I’m glad she pointed it out. And change can be scary. Like, will that chrysalis get smushed? But I like the new me better. And I like how I’ve grown and changed. And I can finally spread my wings. I am learning important life skills. And I think this change is fabulous.

nnl,y

P.S. Fabulous or fabula (in latin) originally meant story and it was changed into Sharpay Evans.

Change? And marvel TBR(released) movie list.

I have just seen the list of marvel movies coming at and I’m very excited!

Captain America 3: May 6 2016
Doctor strange: November 4 2016
Guardians of the Galaxy: May 5 2017
Spider man: July 28 2017
Thor 3: November 3 2017
Avengers 3: May 4 2018
Black panther: July 6 2018
Captain marvel: November 2 2018
Avengers 4: May 3 2019
Inhumans: July 12 2019

But what if when I’m older and wiser I don’t think Captain America is the best person on the planet? What if when I grow up and I have a break between movies and when it comes back I don’t love the marvel franchise. And to broaden my question, how do I know if I will like any franchise later in life? Tomorrow will I wake up and tear down my posters because I no longer love fall out boy, das sound machine, panic! at the disco, big bang theory, superwholock, Dan and Phil, YA novels, and superheroes? I’m a crazy fangirl, I put hours and hours into my fan-account (name at the bottom incase you like multiPHandom). I put lots of money into all my comics and books. Is all that gonna be for nothing because one day I’m gonna wake up and think it’s all pointless crap? I don’t want to change. But do I have control over who I am? I really like yelling at people on the internet to convince them that destiel is real and that captain america is the best avenger. I love posting a picture of Dan and Phil in masks of Justin Beiber and the Queen and immediately getting lots of comments and likes. I like being a part of this neurotic culture. What if something happens and all of a sudden I think that Pete Wentz isn’t the most attractive person ever?

Can I control who I am and stay true to my insanity that has me on the internet till 3:00 am watching pitch perfect clips and reading Phan-fiction? I sure hope so. HaterZ like to say that being a fangirl is just a bunch of stupid girls being overemotional, but it’s became a part of my life. And I love it. I don’t want to let it go.

~nnl,y

P.S. fan account- @casbutt_pie

Forgetting

A bit ago I read Divergent for the first time. At that time I knew everything about everything having to do with the book. I knew facts and people in the fan community surrounding it and I fan-girled. This year I am going to public school for the first time in my life and I got my summer reading assignments and it’s reading and watching divergent. At first I thought “sweet! I don’t have to do any summer reading! I already did it all! Back to Buffy.” but then I took an online test to see if I still remembered details about the book and it turns out everything I thought about it came from the movie which I had re-watched recently.

I went back and restarted the book and I have become fascinated at the amount that I forgot. When I read it for the second first time I was almost as fascinated as the first first time I read it. I found ways in which it relates to my life now and I could remember why I liked it to begin with. I was able to match things that happen in the book with things that used to matter to me.

I have been considering re-reading other old favorites of mine and seeing if I can do the same thing again. I look forward to re-walking my old paths.

~nnl,y

Crap week.

When I first stared this blog what inspired me was a show call awkward. Jenna Hamilton is an average awkward teenager and she writes blog posts that she voiceovers about a deep metaphor she has found in whatever crappy thing happened to her during the episode.

Recently I had a really crappy week. I have a lot of anger and hurt feelings right now (I am hopefully gonna start boxing to try to get out my feelings, I think it’s going to be a good thing). But when I rewatched all of the show I realized that I have had so many thoughts and no where to put them. This blog used to flourish like a overly sarcastic, ignorantly insightful crazy wack-job of a flower but now I never update it. It’s been weeks and I realize after watching how much a fictional character’s blog helped her, how much this blog helped me. I love the feeling of typing away at my computer about the meaningless nothing of my current problems that will seem petty and childish in ten years. Hell, some of them already seem stupid.

I have learnt that I need somewhere to write things down. And I need one fast. Now that I have ranted about my crap week I think I’m gonna do something possibly insane and probably stupid. (probability VS. possibility)

I’m gonna try and keep up with this blog yet again. And this time I am not going to fail miserably.

~nnl,y

At my graduation I had a whole speech about letting go of my fears and recognizing my flaws. I had a line in it, that referenced one of my favorite people on the planet, “reasons why I am a fail (yay!)” But I am not a fail. I am growing and trying to mature. And yes, I still love Dan Howel. But I am going to try to not think of my flaws as reasons that I’m a fail anymore because I’m not a fail. I’m just a girl, trying to write her blog and live her life. And I will not fail either of those tasks.

Fan accounts

I recently made a new fan account on instagram.

It’s really interesting because when I sign in it’s like signing into another person entirely.

I become this awesome fangirl person and I can post things that I would never post on my personal account because people would get annoyed at not knowing the references.

It’s fun to get to be a nut case and post the kind of thing that I love. I mean, I love posting singing covers on my normal account but it’s really fun to get to geek out and have no one judge me.

It’s like being batman or something except with multiple pictures of Destiel and Malec shipping.

But it comes to my attention that when you have a fan account about the flash, supernatural, and TMI you really have an extended family. You ask for anything and they are there for you. If you are crying they pick you up and they never tell you your nuts because they are too. And as a fandom account owner and the owner of many a “pic” with the comment “wHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MY FEELS?” I’m now someone who will respond with “It’s not going to be okay.”

Its fun and amazing and crazy and I’m really glad I got the courage up to put on the mask and jump in the batmobile.

~nnl,y

Mistakes

Mistakes, I have made lots of them. Recently I made one that hurt me more than the others I have made.

See, sometimes there is something that is perfect and you don’t know you need it because your too scared to take the risk and even think about it and so you let it slip out of your fingers. And sometimes that hurts you and sometimes that hurts other people. When you don’t go for things because your scared of what people will think or that it won’t work and you hurt someone in the process, that’s the kind of thing you regret the most.

Because after that amazing thing passes and after it keeps going on, that’s when you realized what you missed.

It sucks because you know it’s never going to turn around and run back. Or even walk back. And that’s when you realize just have much you want it to.

It sucks to miss something that could have been the best thing that happened to you. It sucks to want it to run back.

~nnl,y

What is music to me right now?

Recently I have been working in a program called Ableton Live and making notes with a computer. And when I type in a note it will play it for me with a variety of different instruments. And when I try to make harmonies, simple three note up harmonies, it just doesn’t sound as beautiful. All of the electronic instruments are cool but they don’t achieve that same amazing sound. There are two corresponding notes playing at the same time but I don’t hear that beautiful sound the way I do when I sing with my friend Chana. When people sing or play an instrument they give off their emotions and vulnerability in the music and the computer can’t do any of that.

I think the thing that makes the beauty in music is the hard work and growth. Perfect isn’t beautiful to me. You need to take the climb to achieve something your proud of. People aren’t perfect. We make mistakes and sometimes don’t harmonize with each other. But what makes us beautiful is the working hard and the growing. It’s like the process from baby to adult. It’s messy and hard work and we love watching it happen and often love the outcome.

I think that music is more than notes, I think its growing and passion. And I think that’s beautiful and I am glad that I have the opportunity to work on the computer and make music and have the basic notes play at me and take them to a new level when I add the human emotion in.

~nnl,y

Music I am currently listening to

Here are my top 10 bands right now and my favorite songs/albums by them:

1. fall out boy- Pretty much all of “American beauty. american psycho”

2. yellowcard- “lights and sounds” and “my mountain”

3. the academy i… -“about a girl” and “LAX to O’hare” and “same blood”

4. bon jovi- “wanted dead or alive” and “it’s my life”

5. imagine dragons- “underdog” “I’m so sorry” “smoke and mirrors(the song)” and “gold”

6. one direction – “Little things” and “tell me a lie”

7. bastille- “bad blood” and “things we lost in the fire”

8. my chemical romance- “teenagers” “give em hell kid” “na na na etc.” and “welcome to the black parade”

9. neck deep- “loosing teeth” and “can’t kick up the roots”

10. survivor- “eye of the tiger(full album)”

I don’t know why I decided to make this list. I want to quickly say sorry for not posting as much as promised. I have a lot of work due to the end of school craziness.

I really hope my SERs like these bands/songs/albums.

I also want to say thank you to my friend Nesya for telling my the name of “Uma Thurman” and getting me started on this path of music. It’s amazing and I love it! Sorry for not including “All time low”.

Love ya’ll

~nnl,y

P.S. I like “kids in the dark” by All time low

Writing workshop

I stare at the door and trace lazy circles on my desk with my ring-finger.

~something I wrote in class.

We were talking about emotions and expressing things with body language.

I think it’s interesting how things are perceived. Some people are naturally sarcastic and some people are constantly joking. People won’t always take what they say seriously. Sometimes people look at things in the way you don’t want them to. And that can really suck. I just witnessed serious suck because a teacher perceived something wrong. And sometimes people think they understand someone else when really, how can you understand someone completely? There is always more to a person, and you can’t learn everything about a person from body language. You have to get to know them and not make presumptions and I think that’s really what the world is about. Getting to know who a person really is and not who you think they are.

If you want to know more about my last point read Paper Towns by John Green.

~nnl,y

Shawn Mendes

I have recently been listening to a lot of Shawn Mendes music. As well as One Direction but that’s not important right now.

Shawn’s new album, https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/handwritten-deluxe/id963404245. Is amazing I haven’t memorized all the songs yet but I want to talk about the story I have seen in the lyrics so far.

I think in the story of handwritten we see a boy who becomes famous and has a lot going on and has to go on tour, and he tells a girl he loves about his work load and she gets seriously hurt about him leaving, her life is crazy and she misses him. She makes a mistake, whether that’s cheating or something else I can’t tell [once again, I haven’t listening to all the songs yet, still trying to memorize them] and he comes back and breaks up with her because of what she did. But they still love each other.

One of my best friends/ex girlfriend recently[ish] moved back to where she used to live and that has been pretty hard. And there isn’t anything I could do to hurt her so much that she would do something as drastic as leave me because she doesn’t talk to me anymore and probably doesn’t care but the experience of Shawn’s lyrics has shown me so much about myself and I have grown. I have seen the problems and answers presented in the lyrics and I have applied them to my life to help me sort through my feelings. He has helped me be stronger despite all the crap.

I owe Shawn Mendes so much, he has helped me through this. It’s been hard but I’m still standing. I am healing. When you love someone it’s hard to get over them in a matter of weeks but I am getting better everyday.

I think that the way Shawn had all the strings attached, I have a couple still attached. I am still using a creative writing piece I wrote about her for my end of year project in one class and I still wear a necklace that she gave me. But that’s okay because sometimes you need to leave the echoes so you don’t forget. I will be wearing the necklace for a while.

I want to formally thank Shawn Mendes.

Shawn has helped me and many others before. Many times. And that doesn’t mean that he has to continue. But he will be remembered for https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBr7kECsjcQ. Shawn deserves to be supported the way he supports us. And I don’t know if his lyrics are just lyrics or if there is real pain behind them but I hope that we can live in a world where if someone needs support we give it to them.

Please look into his album and all his songs. Send him support. I will be posting only Shawn songs on my Instagram for a little while. If you want to follow me my instagram is: chanank_music

~nnl,y